GardenFanantic's Blog at GardenStew.com

A Friend's helpful advice. ?

GardenFanantic — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 11:07:41 -0400

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 3:07 pm (GMT 0)

1. BATHE IN IT
Instead of sipping a beer, try soaking in it. Pour a bottle of German Badebier in the tub and lie back for a real bubble bath.

2. PUT OUT A FIRE
Although certainly not as effective as a real fire extinguisher, a can or bottle of beer can mimic one if none is available. Simply shake and spritz. After all, beer is mostly water. This works on small grill flare-ups, and some people have been known to carry an emergency can in their car in case of engine fire. Or at least that's what they tell the state troopers.

3. MARINATE MEAT
Beer is slightly acidic — and that makes it an excellent meat tenderizer. This allows you to enjoy leaner cuts that otherwise might be too tough. Beer also won't alter the meat's flavor as much as wine- and vinegar-based marinades do. Poke a few holes in the meat, put it in a large resealable bag, and add beer. (English ale is great for beef.) Marinate in the refrigerator for a few hours or, better yet, overnight. Do not drink the marinade.

4. POLISH POTS
In days of yore, the last bit of beer from spent kegs was collected and used to polish the copper vats in breweries. Because of its acidity, you can just pour some on, let it sit for a while, then wipe it off. It also works well on Revere Ware pots.

5. MAKE BEER BARBECUE SAUCE
Ingredients:
1 medium Spanish onion, diced
1 medium banana pepper, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tbsp capers
5 ripe tomatoes, diced
1 small can tomato paste
1/3 c each wine vinegar, olive oil, soy sauce, brown sugar1 Tbsp balsamic vinegar
2 Tbsp each Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, honey, Dijon mustard, horseradish, oregano
2 Tbsp fresh ground pepper
1 tsp cumin
Dash of ground clove
12 ounces amber ale or porter
Combine all ingredients in a large saucepan and boil for 10 minutes. Lower heat and simmer about 4 hours until thickened. Cool and refrigerate for 24 hours so the flavors can meld. Then baste everything but the dog with it.

6. SHAMPOO HAIR
Not only is beer the remedy for a dull party, it's also the cure for dull hair. Dump a cup into a small saucepan and bring it to a boil over medium heat. Let it reduce until there's 1/4 cup left. This removes the alcohol, which can dry hair. Let the beer cool, then mix it with a cup of your favorite shampoo. Pour it into an empty shampoo bottle, then wash and rinse as usual. It'll give your hair more shine and luster.

7. LOOSEN RUSTY BOLTS
Pour some beer on them and wait a few minutes. The carbonation may help break up the rust.

8. CLEAR UP BROWN SPOTS IN YOUR LAWN
Spraying either home brew or Rolling Rock (both are chemical-free) on those annoying brown spots in your lawn. (Either that, or just stop peeing there.) The grass will absorb the sugar in the beer and draw energy from it.

9. STEAM CLAMS OR MUSSELS
Fill a large steamer pot with equal parts water and beer, then bring to a boil. Steam the randy little mollusks until their shells open. Couldn't be simpler. The beer imparts a nice flavor.

10. PASS A KIDNEY STONE
As you've undoubtedly noticed, beer is a diuretic. It helps flush the kidneys and bladder. This can be beneficial if you're suffering from a bladder infection or kidney stone. You can drink water or cranberry juice but beer also works. It helps dilate the ureters [the tubes connecting the kidneys and bladder], which may help you pass a stone quicker and easier. Plus, the alcohol will take the edge off the pain." But don't drink beer if you're taking antibiotics or narcotic pain medications. You'll render the drugs useless and make yourself sick.

11. BOIL SHRIMP
Open three 12-ounce bottles of Yuengling Premium or a comparable mild pilsner and pour them into a large soup pot. Wait for the beer to go flat (about 2 hours), then add 1/4 cup Old Bay Seasoning and 2 tsp ground turmeric (to turn the shrimp a rich yellow). Bring to a boil over medium-high heat, then cook for 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, rinse 2 pounds of extra-large raw shrimp in cold water and drain. Add them to the pot and stir. Cover and cook for 5 minutes, no more. Quickly remove the shrimp using a large slotted spoon. Serve immediately with cocktail sauce and, you guessed it, more beer. This same recipe makes great lobster, but cook it for 12 to 15 minutes.

12. KILL SLUGS
Gather a few empty salsa jars (or similar wide-mouth containers) and fill them a third of the way with cheap beer. Then bury them about 15 feet from your garden, girlfriend, or whatever you're trying to protect. Make sure the rims are almost level with the soil surface. For some reason, slugs love beer. They'll find the traps, drop in, and drown. Do this in the evening, let them party all night, and give them an honorable burial in the morning.

13. FIND DUE NORTH
Okay, here's the scenario. A bit far-fetched, we admit, but look who's going to be our next president. Let's say you're hopelessly lost in the wilderness, and all you have is a can of beer, a sewing needle, a small bowl, and a pair of extra-large silk panties. (Because this is a matter of life and death, the camp counselor should give hers up.) First, open the beer, pour some into the bowl, and let it go flat. (Better drink the rest; this may not work.) Next, magnetize the needle by stroking it repeatedly in one direction with the panties. This will generate a charge of static electricity. Then float the needle in the beer. When it stops, it'll be pointing in a north-south direction. Now get outta there!

14. SOOTHE TIRED FEET
Pour a couple of cold ones into a bucket and soak your dogs. Ice-cold beer with lots of carbonation can be soothing for tired feet. Stop at two; you don't want to start staggering.

15. MAKE A BEER SLIDE
Forget volleyball and croquet. At your next party, lay a large vinyl tarp on a slope, then make it slick with lots of beer. Have your friends strip down to their underwear or swim trunks, get a running start, and slide downhill on their butts.

16. LOWER YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE
John Palmer, a hypertensive home-brewer and engineer in Monrovia, California, puts a handful of dried hops or hops pellets (available at any home-brew store) in a coffeemaker and brews them with hot water. It makes for a bitter tea, but he claims it brings his blood pressure back to normal within 10 minutes by dilating the capillaries. There may be something to it. A person who's intoxicated is usually flushed and sweaty. Some ingredient is dilating the blood vessels, which, in turn, lowers blood pressure. We don't advocate this as a replacement for medication, though.

17. TRICK A CHEAP LANDLORD
Live in an apartment where the landlord pays the heat bill and sets the thermostat pretty low? Ice up a can of beer in the freezer, then set it atop the lockbox that encloses the thermostat. The cold from the beer will trick the thermostat into thinking the temperature has dropped so it'll turn the heat on.

18. BAKE BEER BREAD
You already know how to put a bun in the oven. Now it's time to go all the way. Here's a healthful, foolproof recipe for high-fiber beer bread:
2 3/4 c all-purpose flour
2 Tbsp each sugar, baking powder
1/4 c ground flaxseed
1 tsp each salt, dried basil, dried rosemary, thyme
1/2 c unsalted sunflower seeds
1 Tbsp cooking oil
12 oz beer, at room temperature
Mix all the dry ingredients. Add oil and beer. Stir until dough is just mixed. Put dough in a greased 9x5x3-inch loaf pan. Bake at 375 F for 45 minutes or until nicely browned. Remove from oven and let bread cool in pan for 10 minutes. Remove from pan to cool some more.

19. CATCH MICE
Slugs aren't the only pests with a fatal attraction to beer, you can also trap mice with it. By setting out a few small pails or bowls of beer with a small ramp leading up to the lip. The mice will be attracted by the smell, hop in, drink their fill, then be unable to climb out.

20. TIE A FLY
This tip is from the book Curiosities of Ale and Beer, published in 1889: Mix beer, chimney soot, walnut leaves, and a little powdered alum in a small pot. Bring to a boil, then chill. Dipping any natural materials you're using in this solution prior to tying is supposed to make for a tighter, more attractive fly. No promises as to whether it will catch more fish, though.

21. CURE INSOMNIA
Greg Smith, author of The Beer Drinker's Bible, says women often show up at his brewery asking to buy not his beer but the hops he uses to brew it. "They sew it into pillows," he explains. "The smell of it is supposed to be a sleep aid, especially for colicky babies. I've never tried it, but we get enough requests that there must be something to it." Hops is a type of flower, though, so be careful if you have allergies.

22. MASSAGE YOURSELF
A full can of beer is a great self-massage tool. For instance, take off your shoes and roll a can underfoot. Or put one in the crook of your back or between your shoulder blades and lean back against a wall, rolling it around as you do so. It works just about anywhere — quads, glutes, neck, calves. The pressure loosens up muscle tissue and encourages bloodflow to the area.

23. CALM AN UPSET STOMACH
Sipping on a highly carbonated beer can settle a stomach just like Seven-Up or Sprite can. Plus, the alcohol helps buffer pain.

24. BUILD YOUR NEXT HOME
Earthship, a house in New Mexico, has walls made of empty beer cans and concrete. Amy Duke, a spokeswoman, explains that instead of using forms for the cement, builders put down alternating layers of mortar and cans. You can do the same to create retaining walls for gardens and other landscaping. Earthship also contains a thermal-mass refrigerator that uses full cans of beer as insulation. The cans line the walls of the unit, helping keep the temperature constant while minimizing energy usage. A ceiling vent allows frigid desert air to flow in during the night. The beer absorbs this cold, but never freezes because of its alcohol content. When the hatch is closed during the day, the beer releases the coolness. The same thing happens when you open one and drink it.

25. COOK RICE
Rinse 1 cup jasmine rice in water. Do it twice more, then drain well. Next, dump the rice into a medium-size pot and add 12 ounces of beer. (A nut-brown ale works well.) Bring the mixture to a boil, turn the heat to low, and cover the pot. Simmer for 20 minutes, then remove from the stove and cool for an additional 10 minutes. The rice won't be lumpy, and it'll have a nuttier flavor — just like you after you eat it.

26. STOP SNORING
If your log-sawing is ripping a hole in your marriage, try this simple remedy: Get a pocket T-shirt and a 6-ounce mini-can of beer. Put the can in the pocket and fasten it closed with a safety pin. Just before you go to bed, put the shirt on backward. Research shows that you're more likely to snore when resting on your back. This little setup prevents you from rolling over. Plus, come morning, you won't have to get out of bed for breakfast.

27. BUILD A PLANE
No doubt about it, Duane Mathis is just plane nuts. A pilot and aircraft aficionado, he started building model airplanes out of beer cans about 10 years ago. Now, at his Web site(www.bcairoriginals.com), he sells the plans for eight categories of beer-can planes, including vintage tri-wings, helicopters, Warhawks, and ones that actually fly. Brings new meaning to the term "getting buzzed."

28. ROAST CHICKEN
To make "Drunken Chicken," buy a few medium-size whole birds and a six-pack of beer. Drink half a can of beer, cut off the top third of the can, and add 1 tsp salt, 1 tsp pepper, 1 tsp Worcestershire sauce, 2 Tbsp liquid crab boil, and 1 tsp creole seasoning.
Then shove the can into the chicken and place it in a secure, standing position on the grill. As the brew boils, it'll intoxicate the bird with flavor. Takes about 1 hour.

29. ICE A HAMSTRING
Frozen or very cold cans of beer make great ice packs. Hold one against whatever is ailing you — a sore muscle, a sunburned neck, a pounding headache. With an Ace bandage, you can even wrap a frosty 16-ouncer against the back of your thigh. Or use a sweatband to strap a can near your elbow after a tennis match. A metal can will transmit the cold very rapidly. Just make sure to put some thin fabric between the skin and the beer can to avoid frostbite.

30. BUILD DELIGHTFUL PATIO FURNITURE
To start, you'll need:
About 65 assorted beer caps
1-foot square piece of 1/4-inch plywood
Four, 1-to1 1/2-inch-square, 18-inch posts
Four 12x2-inch strips of lattice
Four, 3-inch dry-wall screws
Some tacking nails
A tube of tub-and-tile adhesive
Simply screw the plywood to the posts, brace them with lattice as shown, and glue the caps to the top in whatever creative arrangement you like. Warning: Don't leave the finished table out in the rain, because the caps will rust.

31. TAME A WILD HAIR
A few drops of beer is sticky enough to subdue any sudden uprising on your eyebrow or scalp that you spot in a barroom mirror. Just wet your index finger and demurely slick it down. Think of it as Miller mousse.

32. SCALE FISH
Nail or glue three or four beer caps to a sturdy piece of wood that's roughly 6 inches long, 1 inch wide, and 1/2 inch thick. Keep the caps in a line and make sure the serrated edges are facing out. Then attack those fish.

Thoughts

GardenFanantic — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 12:01:34 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 5:01 pm (GMT 0)

"There are people who reshape the world by force or argument but the cat just lies there, dozing, and the world quietly reshapes itself to suit his comfort and convenience." --Alan and Ivy Dodd

"God made the cat in order that man might have the pleasure of caressing the lion." --Fernand Mery

"Who could believe such pleasure from a wee ball o' fur?" --Irish saying

"A Cat sleeps fat, yet walks thin." --Fred Schwab

"The last thing I would accuse a cat of is innocence." --Edward Palley

"There are no ordinary cats." --Colette

"A sleeping cat is ever alert." --Fred Schwab

"In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats." --English Proverb

"Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses." --John Weitz

"To please himself only the cat purrs." --Irish proverb

"Never ask a hungry cat whether he loves you for yourself alone." --Dr. Louis J. Camuti

"The only mystery about the cat is why it ever decided to become a domestic animal." --Sir Compton Mackenzie

"A cat determined not to be found can fold itself up like a pocket handkerchief if it wants to." --Dr. Louis J. Camuti

"Since each of us is blessed with only one life, why not live it with a cat?" --Robert Stearns

"Cats are always elegant." --John Weitz

"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat." --Mark Twain

"A cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menault

"You can't look at a sleeping cat and be tense." --Jane Pauley

"Like a graceful vase, a cat, even when motionless, seems to flow." --George Will

"The cat pretends to sleep that it may see the more clearly." --Chateaubriand

"All animals are equal but some are more equal than others." --George Orwell

"The idea of calm exists in a sitting cat." --Jules Reynard

Just a quick note.

GardenFanantic — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 18:06:10 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:06 pm (GMT 0)

Hi, haven't been on much lately, middle of tax season and very busy. Just taking a minute to say "I'm not really dead here." :)

More Feline Physics

GardenFanantic — Sat, 30 Dec 2006 08:37:34 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 1:37 pm (GMT 0)

Law of Cat Elongation - A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction - A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration - A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance - Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration - No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance - A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation - Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Milk Consumption - A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing - A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement - A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Feline Physics

GardenFanantic — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 06:32:07 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 11:32 am (GMT 0)

Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Famous Quotes

GardenFanantic — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 11:19:09 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 4:19 pm (GMT 0)

There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.-Wesley Bates

I've had met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.- H. Taine

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.-Anonymous

Dogs come when they are called, cats take a message and get back to you later.-Mary Bly

To err is human, to purr is feline.-Robert Byrne

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." -- Joseph Wood Krutch

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." -- Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." -- Hippolyte Taine

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." -- Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." -- Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." -- Unknown

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." -- Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." -- Missy Dizick

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -- Joseph Wood Krutch

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." -- Unknown

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." -- Unknown

Collection of sayings

GardenFanantic — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 23:07:30 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 4:07 am (GMT 0)

In the Spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.

If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life..

A gardener's work is never done---And therein lies the pleasure. Happiness stems from always having something to do, something to love, and something to look forward to.

If you want to be happy for an hour, get drunk.
If you want to be happy for three days, get married.
If you want to be happy for eight days, kill your pig and eat it.
But if you want to be happy forever, become a gardener.--Chinese Proverb

You are closer to God in a flower garden than in all the churches on earth.

Gardening is a way of showing that you believe in tomorrow.

Do not squander time, for that's the stuff life is made of..Benjamin Franklin

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."...Dave Barry

"How lovely is the silence of growing things."

One who plants a garden, plants happiness..Chinese proverb

"Don't grumble that roses have thorns, be thankful that thorns have roses."

"We come from the earth, we return to the earth, and in between we garden."

"The love of gardening is a seed once sown that never dies."...Gertrude Jekyll

Warning, I'm losing my Impatiens

Leave space in your garden for the fairies to dance.

Trespassers will be composted

"This garden was made by doing impractical things we could not afford at the wrong time of year."

Gardeners know all the good dirt

I want to have a little house
With sunlight on the floor,
A chimney with a rosy hearth,
And lilacs by the door;
With windows looking East and West,
And a crooked apple tree,
And room beside the garden fence
For Hollyhocks to be! ~Nancy Bird Turner

There's peace within a garden,
A peace so deep and calm
That when the heart is trouble
It's like a soothing balm.

There's life within a garden,
A life that still goes on
Filling empty places
When older plants have gone.

There's glory in the garden
At every time of year,
Spring, summer, autumn, winter,
To fill the heart with cheer.

So ever tend your garden
It's beauty to increase,
For in it you'll find solace,
And in it you'll find peace.

The Pink Dress

GardenFanantic — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 23:03:27 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 4:03 am (GMT 0)

There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park. Everyone passed by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad. Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched the people go by. She never tried to speak. She never said a word. Many people passed by her, but no one would stop.
The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see if the little girl would still be there. Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was yesterday, and still with the same sad look in her eyes.
Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the little girl. For as we all know, a park full of strange people is not a place for young children to play alone. As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl's dress. It was grotesquely shaped. I figured that was the reason people just passed by and made no effort to speak to her.
Deformities are a low blow to our society and, heaven forbid if you make a step toward assisting someone who is different. As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to avoid my intent stare.
As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more clearly. She was grotesquely shaped in a humped over form. I smiled to let her know it was OK; I was there to help, to talk. I sat down beside her and opened with a simple, "Hello."! The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a "hi"; after a long stare into my eyes. I smiled and she shyly smiled back. We talked until darkness fell and the park was completely empty. I asked the girl why she was so sad.
The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, "Because, I'm different." I immediately said, "That you are!"; and smiled. The little girl acted even sadder and said, "I know." "Little girl," I said, "you remind me of an angel, sweet and innocent." She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and said, "Really?" "Yes, you're like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch over all people walking by." She nodded her head yes, and smiled.
With that she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her wings to spread, then she said "I am." "I'm your Guardian Angel," with a twinkle in her eye. I was speechless -- sure I was seeing things.
She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself. My job here is done". I got to my feet and said, "Wait, why did no one stop to help an angel?" She looked at me, smiled, and said, "You're the only one that could see me," and then she was gone. And with that, my life was changed dramatically.
So, when you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is always watching over you. Like the story says, we all need someone... And, every one of your friends is an Angel in their own way. The value of a friend is measured in the heart. I hope your Guardian Angel watches over you always.

THE CREATION ( OF PETS )

GardenFanantic — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 22:49:15 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 3:49 am (GMT 0)

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased.
And dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit

What is a Cat?

GardenFanantic — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 22:46:45 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 3:46 am (GMT 0)

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

Cat Poems and Such

GardenFanantic — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 16:50:02 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:50 pm (GMT 0)

I have tons of stuff about Cats I have collected from friends over the years and one friend actually writes this stuff???? with some of my cats in mind (she has a LOT of time on her hands :) )
So if anyone gets tired of it just let me know and I'll stop.

Things CATS Must Try To Remember!

GardenFanantic — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 16:46:39 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:46 pm (GMT 0)

1. As if!!! Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

2. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

3. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

4. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

5. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

6. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching Steven King movies.

7. Television and computer screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.

8. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.

9. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

10. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.

11. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.

12. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.

13. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

14. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling tea.

15. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.

16. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

17. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

18. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.

19. I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my parts grow back.

20. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Cat User's Manual

GardenFanantic — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 16:42:46 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:42 pm (GMT 0)

(With Debugging Guide)

For all computer geeks out there!

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT (Maker of Many CATs)

User Installation & Maintenance Documentation

Features:

User Friendly
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition (Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use)
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning

Production Details:

After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.

Transportation:

A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures:

Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are free of debris and operational. The user should look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature of 20degC (+/- 3deg tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program by displaying the output bin. The next step consists in displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, you must display the output bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The unit may often be placed in direct sunlight. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.

A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn-in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors are never recoverable. Such situations are not covered by warranties. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be repeated until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.

Applications:

MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some of the better CAT games are:

CACHE - The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object code must be smaller.

MIRROR - Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.

STRING - The CAT attempts to parse a data string.

JUMP - Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.

CHASE - Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING - Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.

Maintenance:

CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24-hour cycle. CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This can lead to violent explosions.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user-serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part.

Defective Units:

Due to manufacturing faults or poor maintenance, there are a number of defective CAT units available at reduced prices. Defects may include missing components, impairment of video/audio input or slow and erratic functioning. Such units may require more careful maintenance, but are generally reliable so long as the user does not require high-performance or advanced functions.

Poor maintenance or accidental damage may lead to your CAT unit acquiring defects during its service life. Manufacturer-installed back-up systems can compensate for most acquired defects although advanced functions may no longer be available.

When acquiring a CAT unit, it is worthwhile considering a defective unit as the unaffected functions will provide years of user satisfaction.

High-Specification CAT Units:

Standard specifications for CAT units are given at the end of this User Manual. High-spec CAT units are available at additional cost from specialist manufacturers (Pedigree Siamese, Pedigree Persian and other suppliers). In general, these offer little more than a pleasing exterior while all manufacturer-installed functions are identical to that of the generic CAT. High-spec CAT units may offer one or more of the following:

* High-volume, frequent-use audio output (Pedigree Siamese and multiple colour-way Oriental clones).

* Plush coat exterior (Pedigree Persian) Note: this unit requires additional care if the external appearance is to be preserved.

* Cable-less units (Manx).

* Underwater operation (Turkish Van - limited colour options).

These are generally intended for the specialist market although previously used high-spec CAT units are sometimes available on the secondhand and nearly new market. Manufacturer rejects of high-spec CAT units are available at lower cost; these have minor cosmetic imperfections, which do not affect overall function.

Viruses:

Your CAT unit is susceptible to viruses if allowed to network with other units. Most will be auto-eliminated by resident anti-viral software. The VET can install additional anti-virus software against some of the common viruses. If you suspect your CAT has a virus, have the unit serviced immediately by the VET. Remedial action may be possible. Some CAT-specific viruses will cause no immediate symptoms, but will result in gradual system degradation. Affected units should not be allowed to interface with other CAT units but will continue to function adequately for several years. Certain multi-platform viruses require your system to be permanently powered down with immediate effect.

Bugs:

Your CAT unit is prone to a number of internal and external bugs, which are generally preventable or treatable. External bugs are unsightly and may cause surface damage or trigger too-frequent operation of the CAT's self-clean mechanism. External bugs may be treated with specialist external cleaners, which offer short-term protection against re-infection. Internal bugs may cause errors at the CAT's input port. The input port may spontaneously enter duplex mode and display output functions. This is an error condition. Internal bugs may be removed from the system by application of anti-bug pellets into the input port. Debugging may be undertaken by the user. Failure to debug the system will impair system performance.

Caution:

CAT systems are normally user-friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of air ports may lead to a CAT deploying its auto-defense mechanisms. Do not strike a CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds. Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".

Service Life:

As CATs become older, the learning program will recognize every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good. The Ctrl key on many CAT units is defective. CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second or even third unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.

The average service life of your CAT is 12 years (with occasional recoverable system glitches) but may be as long as 20 years. System functionality slowly degrades after 10 years, but compensatory mechanisms permit continued operational life for many years. Symptoms of system degradation include faulty audio and video input. Progressive system degradation leads to reduced functionality and ultimately causes your CAT to spontaneously power-down. This is a normal operational mode and is not recoverable. In cases of severe system degradation where the power-down function is not automatically invoked, consult a VET who will help your CAT to power down in a controlled manner. There are no salvageable parts.

User Groups:

CAT users can find other users on the msn group called The Scratching Post. Additional user FAQs can be found on rec.pets.cats.

Lifetime Warranty:

The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included. Previously used CATs are available from specialist outlets. These may come without warranty. Some have been salvaged from poor-maintenance situations but will still give years of reliable service.

Standard Specifications:

Models mainframe, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Interface Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness. Memory 16 MB with 1 MB in ROM.

Upgrades available real soon now. Expected Lifetime 12 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years is common).

Weight: 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.

Speed 3 milliseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.

Colour Graphics: Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 gray shades, or maximum of 16 million colours with 40 gigabits of high-resolution pixels.

Sound Chip: 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).

Power Consumption 250/350 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)

Operating Range -30 to +45deg C (-22 to 105 degF)

Vibration 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.

Fully software interrupt-driven with audible service request calls; instantaneous mode changing and short-term data buffering. Interrupts with audio output include 'Awaiting Power Input' and 'Output Expected' (failure to respond to output request will result in accidental damage to surrounding area). Hardware interrupts (no audio output) include 'Heat-invoked Sleep Interrupt' and (with audio output) 'Closed Door Entry Request'. Interrupts are non-maskable.

Your New PC (Pussy Cat)

Specifications

Standard Input:

Bilateral frontal whisker array.
Bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range: 20-20,000Hz).
Stereoscopic scanning device with night vision.
Limited colour recognition.
Velcro (tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector.
Odor sampling devices (2).

Standard Output:

Internally mounted purrbox.
Single speaker with separate growl mode.
Rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device.

Processor: Parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory and Autonomic control of system software.

Included Hardware:

Calcium-based skeletal structure.
Byte-to-bit conversion array.
Retractable Document shredder/Hole-punch.
Pawpad printer.
Mouse (Standard Catnip).

Also included:

Natural-fiber protective covering in various colours and textures.

System software

Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:

DOS (DOmestic Shorthair)
OS (Other Shorthair)
PS (Pedigree Longhair)
DLH (DOmestic Longhair)
MS (MegaSoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)
RX (ReX, only installed on units with crimped-coat covering)

Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones. Any of the above system software will run in parallel with Eunuchs).

Bundled Software

May include the following:

Mortal Kombat
Acrobat
Explorer
Stuffit Expander
Real Audio

Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed. There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

Operating your PC:

To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).

Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may invoke Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your PC from Sleep, you may press the power button as in Start, shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a warm boot: Remove your shoe, and then tap the PC gently with your toes.

To perform a cold boot: Same technique as for warm boot, but leave your shoe on.

To reboot: Repeat the warm boot.

Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC is fully dry when finished.

Compatibility and networking:

Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other PCs. Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a firewall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the other's security systems. Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes.

Please note that your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and FISH unless appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a subordinate position within the hierarchical structure.

Power requirements:

Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food.
Direct supply of water.
Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources.

Troubleshooting

PC HAS DIFFICULTY EXITING: Perform a warm boot.

PC SHARES FILES FROM DINNER/TABLE/PLATES WITHOUT PERMISSION: Boot your PC prior to running food-related software.

PC HANGS UP PHONE DURING CONNECTION TO ISP: Try invoking sleep mode prior to connecting to ISP. Otherwise, perform a warm boot.

PC IS FROZEN: PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Reboot until it responds.

Letter to MOMCAT Feline Technical Support Division:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am experiencing operating problems in a recently acquired CAT v.6.1b (Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT (Maker of Many CATs); model type "Sml Blk/Wht male [neutered]. I understand that acquisition of this model on the second-hand market waives all rights to a warranty, guarantee or parts replacement should a defect occur. Your Customer Services Division informs me that the perceived bugs are actually "features" and are within normal operating tolerances. I want to make sure these "features" are normal at such an early stage in the unit's operation or whether there is some necessary adjustment required to ensure long-term performance, and to avoid degradation in the unit's performance over time or critical equipment failure.

My recently acquired CAT v.6.1b is my second unit, allowing me to enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games as per your user manual. The primary (master) unit is a CAT v6.1a (Med Red/Tab female [neutered]); the v.6.1b operates as a secondary (slave) unit. In this respect I have experienced no operational defects. However, fuel consumption is giving cause for concern and the secondary unit appears to require a higher operating temperature for optimum performance.

When given the same amount of fuel as CAT v6.1a (Med Red/Tab female [neutered]), CAT v6.1b Sml Blk/Wht male [neutered] consistently reports a low fuel condition. I am experiencing considerable difficulty in reducing the volume and frequency of the audible warning system and am concerned that the output wattage may actually be causing the low fuel situation in the first place. Is it possible to adjust the volume or to introduce a timeout in the audible warning system in order to reduce fuel consumption? When CAT v.6.1b reports a low fuel condition, some sort of feedback mechanism triggers the same error message in the v.6.1a, which had never previously suffered this problem. Do the complex simulation games lead to increased power consumption requiring more frequent refuelling? The unit provides hours of amusement, but the fuel economy leaves much to be desired!

Please advise your Research and Development Laboratory of this improvement opportunity. Modifications to the audio output would, I believe, increase life expectancy of the model and reduce wear and tear on the CAT v6.1x series (Generic CAT). The current configuration is causing great frustration and an owner will require great self-restraint in order to avoid deliberately damaging the unit should the low fuel warning sound repeatedly around 3 a.m. The unit was acquired from a facility for the reconditioning and resale of previously owned CAT units. Staff at the reconditioning facility reported that the fault was already present when the unit was presented to them by a previous owner who expressed a desire for a quieter, more economical model.

I recently reported another malfunction in CAT v.6.1b Sml Blk/Wht male [neutered]. The unit intermittently fails to recognize its tail as an integral part of its machinery/casing. Your customer services department has informed me that this is a well-documented "feature" of the unit and should not cause any damage. I am advised that this feature usually becomes less frequent as new routines are downloaded.

I have a few other suggestions for the V.7.0x series, which I understand to be under development. These are:

User-configurable volume on audio output device.
User-configurable activity cycle (currently the "snooze button" does not work).
Remote control.
Ability to run on "Economy" as well as "Premium" fuel type (for short periods at least).
On/Off switch to prevent self-triggered nocturnal activity.

I look forward to receiving details of how to adjust my CAT v.6.1c to improve fuel economy.

Yours, CAT Owner

(IT friend sent this years ago when I was just learning to operate computers - He thought it was funny, I think it's true, what do you think?)

Cat Resolutions

GardenFanantic — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 16:38:11 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:38 pm (GMT 0)

# I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

# I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

# I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

# I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

# I will not use the humans' bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

# I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

# My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

# I will not help myself to Q-tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

# I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

# As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

# I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

# I will remember that I am a walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

# Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

# I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

# I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!

# I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

# I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."

# If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

# I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

# I will not knead my male human's groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

# I will not attempt to stop the human's snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

# I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human's dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say "Where's my supper!"

# I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human's grandmother is visiting.

# I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

# When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

# When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

# I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.

Last 2 yrs Gardens

GardenFanantic — Sat, 25 Nov 2006 00:34:18 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 5:34 am (GMT 0)

Thunder

GardenFanantic — Fri, 24 Nov 2006 14:50:53 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 7:50 pm (GMT 0)

Thunder - 100+ "Lap" dog he thinks. He did very good here, actually sitting and then laying down. Cats were out today so he can't come out till later. Poor baby!

HousePlants

GardenFanantic — Fri, 24 Nov 2006 13:46:52 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 6:46 pm (GMT 0)

Cacti and Succulents

GardenFanantic — Fri, 24 Nov 2006 13:22:12 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 6:22 pm (GMT 0)

Cat Babies

GardenFanantic — Fri, 24 Nov 2006 10:30:43 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 3:30 pm (GMT 0)

CallieGray-Gray
ShadowStar
BabyGirlSam
WhiskersCats

Projects

GardenFanantic — Thu, 23 Nov 2006 12:41:26 -0500

Author: GardenFanantic
Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 5:41 pm (GMT 0)

Neither one will pay anything other than maybe gas money but it will hopefully be a start to advertise what I can do and get maybe some commercial jobs going around the area. Since both are going to be very different, I hope it will show a diversity of styles that I can accomplish working with individual tastes.