Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you . Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. WELL!! We'll just see about that! I think my neighbour is stalking me - she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't" "I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks." I said, "Don't mention it." ------------------------------ --------------- At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?" ------------------------------ --------------- During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland It was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDewe yDonaldGoofyDublin When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, "Bejazus! are yez stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital". Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish! ------------------------------ --------------- Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself... "so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..." "Holy Cow," interrupted his friend, "What did he end up with?" And Fred replied, "Two years." ------------------------------ --------------- Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman: Hi! Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. ------------------------------ --------------- Q: Which knight is always startled? A: Sir Prise. Q: Which knight is always inclined? A: Sir Lope. Q: Why did the kid start a gardening service? A: He wanted to rake in some cash. Q: Why did the clock get sick? A: It was run down.
