Updated Teddy bears picnic.

If you go out in the woods today (i)
You're sure of a big surprise.

If you go out in the woods today (ii)
You'd better go in disguise (iii).

For every bear that ever there was/
Will gather there for certain (iv), because/
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic (v).

i) The woods have recently been re-named the Tesco Leisure and Fun Park.

Car-parking is free for two hours maximum to customers of the local Tesco.

Unauthorised cars will be clamped.

ii) The woods are in fact closed until September 2007 for wholesale repairs and safety-paving. "Many of the trees were unsuitable for small children to play on, so have had to be removed," explains a health and safety officer. "And following a great many complaints about the unevenness of the floor of the wood from parents and guardians of small children, we are also undertaking an extensive resurfacing operation. The wholesale tarmac-ing of the ground will make it much easier for the disabled and infirm to move freely around the wood without encountering holes, bumps or logs.

(iii) Though from 2009 onwards, national identity cards will of course be compulsory throughout the British Isles.

(iv) Local police have in fact been instructed to disperse all groups of bears over 12 in number with immediate effect, in order to avoid a public affray.

(v) Arrangements for picnics and/or barbecues involving more than six people and/or animals must be made 28 days in advance with the parks department. Warning: the dropping of litter may carry an immediate fine of up to £1,000.

2.

Picnic time for teddy bears,
The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today.

Watch them, catch them unawares (vi)
And see them picnic on their holiday.

See them gaily dance about (vii)
They love to play and shout (viii)
And never have any cares (ix).

At six o'clock their mommies and daddies (x)
Will take them home to bed
Because they're tired (xi) little teddy bears.

(vi) In recent weeks, there have been reports of unauthorised person(s) loitering in the woods in a truly sickening attempt to catch the little teddy bears unawares. If any member of the public should detect inappropriate behaviour from such person(s), they must inform the police or parks department immediately. Do not approach the offender: he or she may well be dangerous.

(vii) A free Department of Health leaflet (Gaily Dancing About: The Risks to You and Your Partner) is available from the kiosk situated by the toilet area in the Wood Visitor Centre.

(viii) Permissible in public areas of low density housing, but only within strict guidelines.

(ix) Time and time again, surveys have shown that the vast majority of teddy bears do in fact have cares. They may like to seek help for any cares they may have at the Teddy Bear Trauma Counselling Centre. "For many years I was hugged and petted," says one bear, who has asked to remain anonymous. "Then, overnight, I was thrown out and abandoned in the bottom of a forgotten cupboard. It frankly knocked the stuffing out of me." This is the sort of tale we hear all too often at the TBTCC.

(x) Or legal guardians.

(xi) Is your teddy bear on drugs? This is a problem faced by many parents or guardians. Sluggishness or drowsiness are often the early signs of an incipient drug problem. If in doubt, call the police.

3.

If you go out in the woods today,
You'd better not go alone (xii)

It's lovely out in the woods today (xiii)
But safer to stay at home (xiv)

For every bear that ever there was (xv)
Will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic (to chorus).

(xii) By law, children below the age of 15 who go into the woods must be accompanied at all times by an adult. Failure to do so may result in a fine or detention.

(xiii) Though statistics clearly demonstrate that being struck by lightning while sheltering in woods accounts for up to 207 deaths a year worldwide.

(xiv) Official Department of Health figures would appear to tell a different tale. Accidents in the home constitute a significant proportion of deaths and injuries among people of all ages. For the free leaflet Thirty-five Ways to Reduce the Terror and Misery in Your Home, please write to the Rt Hon Patricia Hewitt MP at the Department of Health.

xv) Reminder: large and/or unruly gatherings of teddy bears may be dispersed and/or moved on without prior warning under new powers given to the Security Services by the Prevention of Terrorism Act.

4.

Every teddy bear that's been good (xvi)
Is sure of a treat today

There's lots of wonderful things to eat (xvii)
And wonderful games to play (xviii)

Beneath the trees, where nobody sees
They'll hide and seek as long as they please
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic (xix).

(xvi) Teddy bears that have not behaved in a conventional manner are likely to be suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder. Apply to your GP for the appropriate drugs to ensure your teddy bear meets the required standards of interpersonal behaviour on future occasions. Or send a stamped addressed envelope to your local Citzens' Advice Centre for the leaflet Coping with Your Problem Bear.

(xvii) Wonderful games in the new Teddy Amusement Centre situated near the edge of the wood include Ram Raider III, Bloodlust: The Final Countdown and Kill Nan.

(xviii) Patrons are reminded that smoking is strictly forbidden in all public areas. Also, please clear up after your teddy bear with the scoopers provided.

(xix) Cancelled until next year due to leaves on the ground.

Taken from: Opinion Telegraph Website.