Husband: " Imagine the nerve of that Doctor saying that I am so old that he is going to refer me to an Archeologist !! " Wife: "No dear, he said Audiologist, you have hearing loss."
Only in Britain – Complaints to Councils and extracts of letters written to them: 1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6amhis cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
A young woman from Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to launch herself into the Mersey, but just before she did a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy." With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain, this is the Birkenhead ferry...
From Wiki. The Pickle Sisters were a 1920s vaudeville act, not sisters in the literal sense, but a group of four women who performed a 15-minute routine centered around a pickle theme.They were known for their quirky, whimsical performances that combined humor, dance, and song, all while dressed as pickles.Their stage names were Dillie, Kosher, Gherkin, and Cornichon, and they were considered "one-hit vaudeville wonders" Like father, like son.
