In a large Glasgow private hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's toilets, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist... He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Edinburgh castle and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Wee Hughie raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Hughie before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Wee Hughie said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
In honor of @Logan's "go fetch" not really jokes, but some of those dogs are pretty funny. Rufus has never shown interest in sticks. His idea of "fetch" is grab a toy and expect you to chase him. He does like "tug-o-war". Somehow he missed out on the retriever genes from his Labrador Retriever side and from his poodle side.
Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas. 1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 2. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 8. You still have a little bit on your chin. 9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
Whoever said, “Do the job right the first time and you’ll never have to do it again” never shovelled snow off a Canadian driveway. Name the two seasons of Canada. Winter, and July. A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. “Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.” The man thought for a moment and said, “I would like the following three things to happen this year — The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.” The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.
