How do I get used to living with someone again?

Discussion in 'The Village Square' started by Ronni, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. Ronni

    Ronni Hardy Maple

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    It's been a long time since I've lived with a partner. I was divorced in 2004. Ron and I are planning to move in together sometime around the middle of the year, once the renovations are complete on the master suite.

    Ron has lived on his own off and on, because he had children later in life and they didn't want to be with their Mom after the divorce so they lived with him, left home as adults and came back again at different times. Even so, it's his house and he's the parent and so he's called the shots.... it's not the same as living with a partner.

    We are both tidy, fastidious people. But we're both used to running the show in every respect. He keeps a very clean house. Does his own laundry, changes his sheets every week, cooks a lot and is good at it, is careful about where things are stored in the kitchen, folds his clothes and towels just so. I do all of that too, in my own way, and some of our ways match, and some are different. We've talked in general about when we move in together having to learn each others ways, that there will be an adjustment period as we get comfortable with how the other person does things etc.

    Looking for input on how you've apportioned the chores, family stuff, household duties, and why you've done it that way. Even if you've lived with your partner a long time, I would imagine that things evolved when you retired because that obviously changes the dynamic in the home. Would love any advice on how best to navigate the adjustment of two people living together who haven't lived with anyone for 15 years!!!
     
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  3. toni

    toni Mistress of Garden Junque Staff Member Moderator Plants Contributor

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    One day at a time, lots of patience (both of you), quite a bit of give and take and a commitment to make it work. (some say make it work for ever and some would say make it work until it doesn't anymore)

    Instead of copying how other couples do it, you need to sit down and talk about your similarities and differences in doing all those things.. Don't say this is the way I have always done it, bend without breaking. Don't make a list of things you are each responsible for....make a list of the things that need to be done and work on falling into the routine where each of you, when seeing something that needs doing will do it without even thinking "that's your job, not mine". The one who has the time should not hesitate to do the job.

    We all, of a certain age, grew up where "women's work and men's work" were emphasized and taken seriously. (I had seen the way Randy did his laundry before we married so out of the need to protect the items that should remain white, I took over that job immediately).
     
  4. Kay

    Kay Girl with Green Thumbs

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    First of all. Congratulations on this big step to a new chapter of your life! I would say that honest communication is good. If there is something that bothers you, be willing to voice it. This takes timing and the right words though! Being open to doing things a different way than you're used to. Listening to his opinions and ideas.
    when you care about someone, it seems to fall into place. Best to you both!
     
  5. adam.ca

    adam.ca Seedling

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    Imagine, 2 young adults, both have some bad habits when it comes to neatness, 3 young children, two of which are there 50% of the time. Its a hell of a show!

    for you, your biggest problem might be that he leaves the toilet seat up sometimes, or something, I can't even begin to imagine what kinda of "problems" would come up is such an easy going scenario.

    sooo, maybe my advice would be to approach every problem you may encounter with "is this really a big deal, maybe i can choose to not care too much about it, maybe I can just ignore it. maybe i can bottle it up inside and not speak of it" LMAO!
     
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  6. Catdaddy6676

    Catdaddy6676 Seedling

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    Some things can be worked out in advance and others as you go. I would recommend revisiting priorities you have about what should and should not be done, but also learn to accept what may not be the best approach of your partner to these priorities.

    I am not comparing him to a toddler or child but much like a parent you have to be firm a lot of the time... But it is not going to mean the end of the world if things aren't exactly to your liking. One of the greatest things I learned as I raised my son was... It is ok to say "yes"!

    Perfect example... One Easter Sunday I got up early to make breakfast and my son was almost 3. As I began to make coffee he reached out to scoop it into the filter, but I told him no (all I could see in my mind was coffee grounds everywhere!). He reached out a second time and I reminded him that I said no. Without missing a beat he asked "Is that your favorite word?"

    OMG! I laughed so hard! I let him do it (he did not spill it), vowing to clean up any accidents.
     
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  7. adam.ca

    adam.ca Seedling

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    to which you replied "No." i bet
    LMAO!
     
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  8. eileen

    eileen Resident Taxonomist Staff Member Moderator Plants Contributor

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    Ronni I honestly think that you and Ron already have a solid basis for a successful relationship. You can love, laugh, play and cry together. You listen and talk to each other, all of which in my mind, are very important from the beginning. You're not rushing headlong into things without firstly being the best of friends and having trust in each other. Yes there will be little things that you will need to iron out between you but I have a strong feeling that everything is going to be just fine. Another bonus is that both your families appear to have accepted your relationship and they get on with each other which is a big plus.
    So all I have left to say is have a wonderful time getting to know each other even better than you do now.
     
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  9. mart

    mart Hardy Maple

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    Thats simple,, If you have the big stuff figured out,, don`t sweat the small stuff ! Go make yourself a Margarita and ask yourself "does this affect my health, finances, or personal well being ? If not forget it and enjoy the Margarita ! No one really cares if there are two folds on a towel or three, or if socks are rolled or folded ! Learn when to pick your battles !
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
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  10. DeepWoods

    DeepWoods In Flower

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    As noted...don't sweat the small stuff... If he leaves the toilet seat up and that "bothers" you...think about this...every time he has to use it... you left it down. Just do what has to be done...put the seat down and do your business..and go on with your day and never jeopardize the physical health, mental health, finances, trust, etc of the relationship. Always strive to do good to and for each other, but be careful that you're not claiming good on your own selfish desire or stubbornness. (i.e. the toilet seat..) This applies to both persons. We do have to remember that a man's home is his "castle", he should be at peace there, more than anywhere, it should be a refuge not a contentious place. No hastle in the castle..LOL
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2019
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  11. toni

    toni Mistress of Garden Junque Staff Member Moderator Plants Contributor

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    Change "his castle" to "their" castle It is not just a man's world anymore ;)
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2019
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  12. DeepWoods

    DeepWoods In Flower

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    This has not changed even though the devil has led some people to think so...

    It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. God did not first create the woman, and then make man a help meet for her; but he first made the man, and then the woman, that she might be a help meet for him.
    The woman was made for the comfort and happiness of the man, to be his aid and comforter in life, to be his friend, to divide his sorrows, and to multiply and extend his joys; yet still to be in a station subordinate to him. He is to be the head; the ruler; the presider in the family circle; and she was created to aid him in his duties, to comfort him in his afflictions, to partake with him of his pleasures. Her rank is therefore honorable, though it is subordinate. It is, in some respects, the more honorable because it is subordinate; and as her happiness is dependent on him, she has the higher claim to his protection and his tender care.
    The man was not created upon the woman's account. The reason is plain from what is mentioned above; and from the original creation of woman she was made for the man, to be his proper or suitable helper.
     
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  13. Ronni

    Ronni Hardy Maple

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    Well, we are all entitled to our opinions here, and mine is vastly different than yours, DeepWoods.

    It takes two people to make the relationship, so it follows that those two people should each be taking their full share of the responsibility for maintaining the health and quality of the relationship.

    Thankfully Ron is very much that way inclined, so I'm exceedingly lucky there. :heart:

    That is exactly Ron's approach toni!! Mine however is completely different...I have aways assigned tasks or chores. The kids had their lists, I had mine. We realized that we're very different in this regard and so we've talked about this difference at some length and honestly still haven't come to a satisfactory compromise, realizing that the theory of all this is vastly different than the actuality is going to be. For the most part we've just agreed that this is something that needs revisiting when we're actually living together, an on-the-ground, as-we-go sort of approach. :)

    I find it amusing that these two approaches above are completely at odds with each other. :D Neither he nor I are the "bottle it up" kind, and honestly I don't thing that's a healthy thing to do. Kay, I completely agree. And again, Ron and I are like minded in this regard. Interestingly though, he didn't start out this way. His attempt was always to just kind of gloss over issues and move on. I am exactly the opposite! We talked about the difference at length, and he ultimately realized that this was his approach with his ex-wife.... a lot of the time that he brought something up with her it resulted in a fight, because she had a real need to be right! Keeping the peace was more important than being right as far as he was concerned, so he'd just move on. Over time he learned with me that I am not the sort to fly off the handle if you disagree with me. I'll willingly listen and discuss to a conclusion that works for both of us. Once he really got this, he was SO relieved and we talk about everything now! Sometimes he's right, sometimes I am, neither of us care or keep score, just so long as we're both on the same page!

    Eileen thank you so much for this! He and I have talked about each of these points as being major pluses in our relationship!

    Thank you all so much for your input. Can you tell I'm a little nervous about this next chapter in my life? :rofl: I love this man, and I'm excited for our future, but as I never expected to be living with a man ever again, it's a bit daunting under any circumstances and especially after being single for 15 years!!!!

    I appreciate you all! :heart:
     
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  14. adam.ca

    adam.ca Seedling

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    sooner or later you'll hit issues that can't be solved simply by talking about it. small things, things you can just ignore rather than try and fight a losing battle.
     
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  15. toni

    toni Mistress of Garden Junque Staff Member Moderator Plants Contributor

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    When Randy and I started talking about getting married I was 3 years out of a 13 year marriage, I had a 10 year old daughter and was 9 years older than him. Talk about being nervous about this working out!!!!
    I am still 9 years older than him, my first daughter is 51 and my second daughter is 31 and in May we will celebrate 39 years of marriage. We have had rough times but we have found that they can be overcome by being partners, not one of us expecting preferential treatment because of gender.
     
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  16. Evil Roy

    Evil Roy In Flower

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    Ronni, as long as you both remember to adore more than you irritate, it'll all work out just fine.
     
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