Jokes by Islandlife

Discussion in 'Jokes and Games' started by Islandlife, Jul 19, 2016.

  1. Islandlife

    Islandlife Young Pine

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    Specifications
    A book listing materials and procedures for the project. The materials are either: 1) So new no one except the architect has ever heard of them; or, 2) So obsolete they haven't been manufactured for 10 years.

    Bid
    A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

    Bid Opening
    A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

    Low Bidder
    A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

    Contractor
    A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal.

    Subcontractor
    Someone who is expected to correct all mistakes made by others and to provide financing for contractors and owners.

    Project Manager
    The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

    Pre-Construction Conference
    A meeting held by the architect, contractor, and subcontractors while they are still on speaking terms.

    Architect
    Designs a monument to himself and a tombstone for the contractor.

    Engineer’s Estimate
    The cost of construction in Heaven.

    Critical Path Method
    A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

    Completion Date
    1) A predetermined period during which, under ideal conditions, about 70% of the project can be completed. b) The point at which liquidated damages begin.

    Liquidated Damages
    The penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

    Retainage
    An involuntary savings account for subcontractors, earns no interest and is paid out only under protest.

    OSHA
    A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs, and baloney - usually applied at random with a shotgun.

    Strike
    An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

    Final Inspection
    Scheduled at least six months after the building is occupied, gives the owner plenty of time to tear the work apart.

    Auditors
    People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

    Lawyer
    Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.
     
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  3. eileen

    eileen Resident Taxonomist Staff Member Moderator Plants Contributor

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    Brilliant - absolutely brilliant!! I'm shaking with laughter. :smt005:smt005:smt005
     
    Philip Nulty and Islandlife like this.
  4. carolyn

    carolyn Strong Ash

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    Well, If we weren't self employed I would actually think this wasn't true... You don't know how close to accurate these definitions are. eerily close. they are funny... but too close to true.
     
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  5. Islandlife

    Islandlife Young Pine

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    ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!

    His request approved, the CNN News photographer
    quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
    to charter a flight.



    He was told a twin-engine plane
    would be waiting for him at the airport.



    Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
    warming up outside a hanger.



    He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
    and shouted, 'Let's go'.



    The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
    into the wind and took off.



    Once in the air, the photographer instructed

    the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make
    low passes so I can take pictures
    of the fires on the hillsides.'


    'Why?' asked the pilot.


    'Because I'm a photographer for CNN'
    he responded, 'and I need to get
    some close up shots.'



    The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
    finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
    is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?

    "Life is short.
    Drink the good wine first."
     



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  6. eileen

    eileen Resident Taxonomist Staff Member Moderator Plants Contributor

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    I would have loved to see the expression on the CNN photographers face!! :smt005:smt005
     
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  7. Islandlife

    Islandlife Young Pine

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    Me too! :) :) :)
     
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  8. marlingardener

    marlingardener Strong Ash

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    I love it! I may print this out and post it at the local feed store. The older guys who sit around and discuss the events of the day will get several days of conversation out if this!
     
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  9. Philip Nulty

    Philip Nulty Strong Ash

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    :sete_056::smt045,..great post,..i always squirmed when i was about to start a project and was told,..we will send out a team to make an assessment,..the titles these guys had are well described in your post :)
     
  10. Tooty2shoes

    Tooty2shoes Hardy Maple

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  11. Philip Nulty

    Philip Nulty Strong Ash

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    :smt051 Lol i loved that one,..still laughing here.
     
  12. stratsmom

    stratsmom Flower Fanatic

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    Oh My Gosh!!!!:eek:
     
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  13. Islandlife

    Islandlife Young Pine

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    Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.

    This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works:

    Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, "No", but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

    I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also May 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming
    weekend.

    So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

    BTW - Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $1.25 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

    Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

    So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

    Let's be safe out there people!
     
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  14. eileen

    eileen Resident Taxonomist Staff Member Moderator Plants Contributor

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    Shocking!! :setf_049:Take a camera next time. You can post photographs on here so that all the men know exactly what to look out for. :rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  15. Raddang

    Raddang In Flower

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    Where can I buy a big stock of cheap wallets. :smt026:smt041:sete_056:
     
  16. 2ofus

    2ofus Hardy Maple

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    Don't think I'll show this one to hubby! :snicker: :rofl: :smt082
     

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