1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whisky-maker but he loved her still. 4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from a geometry class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 8. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. 9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.” 12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep off the Grass.” 14. The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 15. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 16. A backward poet writes inverse. 17. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes. 18. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine. 20. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.” 21. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!” 22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.” 24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
This is my first visit to the forums today and I was delighted to see your post. It certainly put a smile on my face!! Clever - very clever.
Oh Island....I so do enjoy puns. Here when one makes a pun the other person always says, "Oh, that was terrible".//but what they mean is, "That was a good one". Funny habit that.
@Sjoerd - Same same here - usually the response is "that is/was awful" but really means it was pretty good
OK, remember, you asked for it. ================= Quasimodo goes on vacation Quasimodo decided it was time for a vacation. He wanted to get away for a few days, see a few new cathedrals, hear some new bells. He went to the Bishop and asked permission and the Bishop was agreeable to the idea. He told Quasimodo that he'd been a faithful servant and that his record in the church was very good. There had been that one incident with a girl, but the church was inclined to overlook that. He told Quasimodo to prepare for his journey and that someone from the congregation would be selected to ring the bells in his absence. Quasimodo was elated. He ran upstairs and started planning and packing. He could barely sleep that night. The next morning, as he was preparing to ring the bells, a young man arrived in the bell tower and told Quasimodo that he was there to learn to ring the bells. Quasimodo was skeptical to say the least. The young man was quite young and somewhat small considering the task at hand. Quasimodo started to send him away, but the young man pleaded with him. He explained that this was a great honor for his family and that he would do his best to meet Quasimodo's standards. Quasimodo relented and started explaining the process. He told the young man to use the ropes to start the bells swinging. Once they're swinging, he explained, you must jump onto the bells and use your body to get the bells swinging to their limits. Once this is done, he explained that you must jump off, let the bell swing towards you, and let it hit you squarely in the forehead to achieve the perfect tone. Quasimodo was firm in his explanation that it must only hit the forehead. The young man said that he understood and he would follow the instructions to the letter. He grabbed the rope and, despite his diminutive stature, had little trouble making the bells swing. Once they were ringing loudly, he jumped on to the bell and swung it to greater heights. As it swung away, he deftly jumped off, landed, and prepared for the blow to his forehead. Unfortunately, the bell hit him fully in the face. The tone was wonderful, but the force of the blow threw him out of the tower and down to his death on the street below. A crowd quickly gathered and as Quasimodo arrived on the scene they all asked “Who is this young man?” Quasimodo could only shake his head sadly and reply “I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell.” Quasimodo spent the rest of the day in deep depression. All he wanted was a simple busman's holiday, and his request ended in the death of a poor young man. The next morning, as he was sadly preparing to ring the bells, another young man, slightly older and larger than the young man from the previous day, arrived in the bell tower. He bore a striking resemblance to the first young man, and understood Quasimodo's confused look at once. He explained that it was his brother that had died the day before, but that ringing the bells was still a great honor for his family and that he had been sent as a replacement for his ill fated brother. Quasimodo was again skeptical, but his desire for a vacation won out and he explained everything as he had done the day before. He placed particular emphasis on the need to let the bell hit you in the forehead and nowhere else. He explained that the young man's brother had made a mistake by allowing it to hit him in the face and that had caused his death. The new young man assured Quasimodo that he understood. He took the rope and started the bells, jumped on and had them swinging perfectly, jumped off and allowed the bell to strike him perfectly on the forehead. This resulted in a magnificent tone. Unfortunately, he was still too light and the bell threw him from the tower to his death on the street below. Once again a crowd gathered asking “Who is this young man?” Quasimodo simply replied “I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother.”
