Southern Living

Category: Serendipity | Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 3:13 pm

We received an offer to subscribe to up to four magazines for two dollars a year. The only magazine I thought I'd be interested in was Southern Living. After all, I'm alive and in the south.
I'm not sure who lives like the folks in that magazine, but I am sure I don't know them. For example, in this issue there is an article "How to Style Your Coffee Table" with a picture of a coffee table with a tray holding two books, a CloisonnÃ© pitcher, and a bouquet of roses. There is also a pair of twist-stem gold candlesticks, a stack of books with a "decorative object" on top to give "a polished touch." There is also a bowl of nuts. Our coffee table has a book on it, and plenty of room to prop up your feet while reading. I guess my fuzzy slippers could be considered "decorative objects."
Holiday How-to suggests stenciling leaf shapes on bags from a craft store (it seems the brown lunch bags from the grocery are a no-no). After you spend most of your afternoon stenciling the shapes on the bags, you are to carefully cut out the shapes. Place a white bag inside a dark bag, put sand in the bottom for stability, and put a candle in each bag. Our Texas wind would take those bags and sail them into the nearest field, where they would start a grass fire and the local fire department would not believe an explanation that involved leaf stencils and craft store bags and candles.
Then the Southwest Insider section has the great news that Lucchese boots, the ultimate in hand-crafted luxury cowboy boots (and no, that is not an oxymoron) now has a line of stiletto high heels for ladies, starting at somewhere around $595. I don't know of anyone who would pay nearly $600 for a pair of shoes. In fact, I don't know anyone who wears stiletto heels!
I gave up on living the southern way when I saw what was done to a home's entry way to "decorate for fall." All you need is a magnolia leaf garland, heirloom pumpkins, a pinecone wreath, bittersweet, and cabbage. Yep, cabbage! According to the decorator, one drapes the garland around the entrance, hangs the wreath on the door, and artistically arranges the pumpkins (heirloom, remember?) and cabbages on the steps. By the time a guest fights his way through the foliage and trips over a cabbage and lands on an heirloom pumpkin, the magic has gone out of your decorating efforts.
I did like the decorations for the bar area at a partyâ€”wine, gin, vodka, several types of whiskey (party must have been in Kentucky) and cheese and crackers. The crackers were served on a plate balanced on a pumpkin (presumably heirloom) and there was a weedy looking bouquet but after sampling the bar offerings, probably no one would care.
So, here on the farm we are not garlanded, stenciled or growing heirloom pumpkins. I'm afraid stiletto heels would make deep marks in the chicken coop and I wouldn't want the ladies to trip on a Lucchese shoe's hole.
Think I'll go prop my feet up on our coffee table and read a book.

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Comments

Henry Johnson wrote on Sun Sep 21, 2014 4:29 pm:

ROTF-LMHO! ! !
(*H; for Hiney or Head, (Hiney, (rhymes With piney), means hind-quarters.))

Sjoerd wrote on Sun Sep 21, 2014 6:14 pm:

Oh dear me...MG--We have magazines here like that. I find your commentary and description entertaining to read.

I shall chuckle about this for several days, I dare say.

mart wrote on Sun Sep 21, 2014 7:06 pm:

LOL !!Can`t tell you how many times I have wondered the same thing. Who actually lives in these houses we see in the magazines. Surely no one in my part of the south. Lucchese boots with cow/horse/chicken manure on them would just not look right,,or maybe we could start a new style.

eileen wrote on Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:03 pm:

What a great blog entry!! I've often wondered if the houses in those magazines were real or just staged.
I had to laugh at the thought of you in stilettoes feeding your chickens and cleaning them out. Thanks for cheering me up.

2ofus wrote on Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:56 am:

I not only laughed so hard, I also had to read it to DH. He got a real kick out of it too. You do have a way with words. The only person I have known to even touch on decorating like the magazines was my 70+ year old a aunt. Have you tried reading any of the gourmet cookbooks.