A Note From My Cuz

Discussion in 'Jokes and Games' started by Sjoerd, Oct 31, 2020.

  1. Sjoerd

    Sjoerd Mighty Oak

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    The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back: “Bring pizza.”
    Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)…I can’t see you anymore.
    I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
    Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.
    Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
    It’s weird being the same age as old people.
    When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
    Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
    Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
    It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
    Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
    Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
    Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping,
    and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember: Don’t sing!
    My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food
    right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.
    During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies.
    Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
    I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your
    first session but here we are…
    If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your
    canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
    I see people about my age mountain climbing ... I feel good getting my leg through
    my underwear without losing my balance.
    We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to,
    ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’
    If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”
    That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
    I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
    Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving
    your bubble, doing work-outs, baking banana bread, and going for long walks and the
    next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don’t even like.
    I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12,
    while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
    Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner
    has been collecting dirt on you for years.
    I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
    I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
    How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought: “Well aren’t
    we just two clowns short of a circus?”
    At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.”
    or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
     
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  3. marlingardener

    marlingardener Strong Ash

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    Yes, yes, yes!:smt109
    And if that family reunion is short a couple of clowns, my family has extras.
     
  4. Kildale

    Kildale Nature's Window

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    Really enjoyed that, well done.
     
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  5. mart

    mart Hardy Maple

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    Still laughing ! Will post when I stop,,tomorrow !
     
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  6. Sjoerd

    Sjoerd Mighty Oak

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    Ha h ha Jane—good one.

    So glad you liked it Kildale.

    Hee hee—mart you are a card.

    Well, I guess everyone can use a little laugh about now.
     
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  7. carolyn

    carolyn Strong Ash

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    S, We have been friends for a long time. it shows. you know all my secrets.
     
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  8. Sjoerd

    Sjoerd Mighty Oak

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    Ha ha ha Carolyn— yeah, like peas in a pod, right.
     
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  9. Cayuga Morning

    Cayuga Morning Strong Ash Plants Contributor

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    That was great SJ. We all need a bit of levity about now.
     
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  10. Sjoerd

    Sjoerd Mighty Oak

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    Thanks meid. You are too right about that.
     
  11. eclecticgarden

    eclecticgarden Seedling

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    Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
    Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

    That one made me laugh out loud... not sure what that says about me.
     
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